Five months ago Anderson Silva toyed with his opponent, Stephan Bonnar–placing his back against the fence and calling for attacks. It didn’t take long for “The Spider” to TKO the light heavyweight TUF 1 runner-up with another highlight finish. After the news of Bonnar being suspended for a failed PED test for Drostanolone, UFC president Dana White went ahead and announced Bonnar’s retirement for him after they spoke in private.

Yesterday, during the MMA Hour with Ariel Helwani, Bonnar finally broke his silence on the situation.

“It’s frustrating because here is the thing. The research will tell you that the detection for that particular one is like one or two months. When I took this fight, I had exactly three weeks to train and shed 35 pounds. Do you really think after I heard I was going to get this fight I would take something that was going to be in my system? No. The truth of the matter is, I’ve been out of action a long time and I’d been holding out trying to get the big fights and they weren’t coming. I met with Dana multiple times and he told me straight up, ‘What you’re asking for is not going to happen and I think you should retire.’ And we both kind of came to an agreement that the best thing for me to do is to retire.”

Many forget that Bonnar was a last minute replacement against Silva to save the Brazil card headline for an injured Jose Aldo. With a baby on the way and Bonnar unable to find a ‘valuable’ opponent, he likely thought it better to accept the challenge as he prepares for retirement.

“That was the hardest thing, too. You know, there’s no way if I thought there was any possibility of it showing up, that I would have taken the fight. I finally get the opportunity I’ve been begging for in vain for so long. I thought I’d go out there and put on a better fight, but then stuff like this happens. It’s like I came to his house and took a shit on his carpet. It just kills me. I’m like, ‘Come on, Dana, give me this opportunity,’ and then I make him look like that. I’m really sorry. Dana and Lorenzo, I love those guys. I always wanted to be a part of the UFC and I always thought of it as the coolest thing ever and I worked really hard outside of the Octagon with all the TV work I’ve done, the merchandising, appearances, all the PR, going around talking to kids at school, going to boys’ homes. That was really important to me, to be part of the UFC in ways other than fighting. That’s been hardest thing for me. I worked so hard over the years doing all those things to kind of give myself a home in the UFC outside of the actual fighting part of it, and I feel I ruined that.”

“I feel the best thing for me to do is to respectfully piss off. It’s not to sit there and go, ‘Oh, come on Dana, give me another chance.’ I fucked up and I’ll put my tail between my legs and leave you guys alone for a while.”