War Machine has been languishing in a jail cell ever since his bid to flee the swift hands of justice failed, and last week he tried unsuccessfully to off himself. Well, TMZ has gotten a hold of his suicide letter (because of course they do), and the dude is clearly a mix of retarded, delusional and crazy (because of course he is).

Here’s a link to the letter.

In it, you will find such gems as “Maybe I could have just laid on our bed and cried and you’d have held me”, “Oh man, writing all of this has me crying like a lil’ bitch!” And then there’s my personal favorite: “I’m a good person with a huge heart and everyone who knows me knows that, especially Christy.”

Ha. What a tool.