Tabloids can be entertaining. For instance, if you’re waiting in line at the grocery store with a shopping cart full of cold medicine for your meth lab operation, perusing the nearby rack of them – each one bearing headlines about President Barack Obama being a space alien or Taylor Swift’s secret marriage to a koala bear – can be a fun way to pass the time.
Of course, with so much of media having migrated to the Internet, it’s only natural that such fantastic works of journalistic fiction would now exist in that realm, too.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Empire News. A quick can through their top links include an article on a mermaid baby, the First Lady posing nude for Playboy, and, lo and behold, something on the federal government banning MMA in 2015.
James Lee Offerman, chairman of the Association of Boxing Commissions (ABC) announced on Thursday morning that under the urging of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the U.S. Government is expected to pass a bill in 2015 which will make all Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) competition illegal in all 50 states.
“Under urging from the Obama administration and the DHHS, researchers and medical experts have studied diligently the last few years to investigate the dangers of MMA competition. The results complied have proven that the sport is far too dangerous to go forward in the United States. A decision we, the ABC, have ultimately approved.” said Offerman.
At first glance, something the above section of text might seem to have maybe a couple kernels of legitimacy. Maybe. But then there’s the Dana White quotes, which allegedly came in response to a secret government study done on the perils of mixed martial arts.
Dana White, President of MMA giant organization UFC was reportedly extremely angry about the reports, as well as the secretive nature of the investigation by the White House.
“This is ridiculous. You don’t see them trying to shut down the sport of football, and the last time I checked, even high school kids are killed almost every year playing. We will fight this,” said White. “This is just another attempt by the Obama Administration to rip another piece of freedom from the American public. We won’t stand for it. If we let them take this away from us, what’s next? Boxing? Baseball? Fried chicken? This is disturbing and infuriating to say the least.”
“You clearly have not heard the last from MMA supporters, fighters, promoters, and the crazed, uninformed cult that follows our barbaric sport,” said White. “We need to stand up for the right to observe organized, violent sporting events. It’s what makes this country perfect in every way.”
First of all, we know the above is nonsense because it’s pretty outlandish. But we MMA fans also know it’s not something Dana White would ever say because, well, where are all the “F” bombs?
Tabloids. Enjoy them for what they are, folks.